Dying alone in a crowded room...

I am sitting here half asleep waiting for a elderly mother to arrive. I would really like to be able to go to sleep. I am tired. I should have gone to bed instead of reading, but going to bed early enough has never been easy for me. I love the night.
The night is quiet. There's a peacefulness about it even when chaos surrounds you.
A 48 year old male has just died. Not two months ago, he learned that he had throat cancer. There were pletny of signs and warnings leading up to this point. A history of smoking. Struggle with COPD. Even drug abuse. But somehow an American man of the 21st centruy doesn't live past the life expectancy of an early 20th century man. And, for me, at least, that feels sad.
He didn't have any children. His mother was the only one to call. She couldn't get here because she was caring for her 6 year old grand-daughter.
The obese man died alone - with two dozen people surrounding him trying to save him from the results of a American lifestyle of preventable indulgence that the poor of the third world surely know little about.
The story of state of the art modern American healthcare - at least too often the one I face nightly on the halls of a mega-hospital.
When the 20 earthlings finish trying to save him - they stop.
The sense of relief and even smiles and laughs on their relieved faces confuse me.
Is he alive? Did their hard sweaty labor work?
They scatter, pull the tubes, call the one who will probably have to pay the bill, and depart. I walk into the room.
I have been the only one who is able to sit still long enough to listen and to watch.
And even I would not be here if I were not paid to do so.
Everyone else is gone.
I look at this man whom I may have seen before.
His eyes are open. His ditry straight hair is pressed backward.
His eyes are starring forward. And his lips barely pressed apart to reveal his gums.
The shape of his face reminds me of a fish - and I get the sense that this man could come back to haunt me...
He is pale...

Not yet cold...

His belly is still full...

But he's still alone...
Still...
and

Alone...

Standing in the Gap

If our government is not going to provide for the needs of those who are truly poor, who will? Most importantly, will we as followers of Christ be willing to lower our standard of living and give to the poor - working together as Christ's church to be able to follow through on his call to us to feed the hungry, clothe the naked, give a cup of cold water in his name, visit the prisoner, and bringing healing to the sick? I so wish that the church would pull together and do this. I so wish that we could have a really small government and everybody would do what is right - that big corporations (like Eastman, Cigna and Goldmen Sachs) would place people above profits - without having the government enforcing regulations. But our propensity to sin (both individually and as groups) is too strong. Isn't that what Paul says in Romans 7? We do what we don't want to do, and don't do what we want. We are enslaved to sin. I know Christ will free those of us who are willing to surrender (even though we also get it wrong). But in the meantime, who is willing to stand in the gap?

I Baptize Ye My Sister in the Waters of... a stool specimen collector?!?

I am giddy right now! I just got to do my first bedside baptism as a hosptial chaplain. In fact, other than helping with my daughter's baptism, this is the first time I have ever baptized anyone. I was really nervous. The minute the family shared about their mother's anxiety over death, I knew what was going to be asked of me - not by them, but by God. The words of the Ethiopian eunich to Philip were ringing in my ears, "Look, here is water. Why shouldn't I be baptized?" And why shouldn't she? Well, my anxiety for one thing. It's funny, how with all my passion for non-professional ministry by all Christ's followers, I still feel the weight of being a professional clergy person who needs to get the script right. I had never done anything like this before. A bedside baptism?!? By sprinking? (I certainly couldn't immerse her.) What would I use? What would the nurses say? Would I mess up the monitors on her head? How could I talk to a woman who is so sick that she can hardly speak? What if I do this wrong? What if I am reinforcing a theology that says baptism is required for salvation? All of these barriers were running through my head. But lying before me was real life - a woman who had been told that if she were not baptized, she would not go to heaven. She already had enough worries on her mind as she was preparing herself for what appears to be the end of her life. She has two adult children that she has continued to raise well past their dependent years. She has sacrificed her finances and ability to pay medical care for their well-being. And another "wonderful theologian" has told her that if she is cremated (the most inexpensive of burials), then she won't go to heaven. It just didn't seem like the best time to debate or try to change her theology. What was needed at this point was action - action with depth. A depth that goes back centuries to the waters of the Jordan River where a young, inexperienced carpenter was baptized and received the blessings of a God who was already well pleased with him, too. Sometimes, we just need that reminder - that God is well pleased with us already. The sacrament of baptism is one such reminder. I guess I also needed another sign to nail this point home. As I was looking for a cup of some sort to use for the water, I knew I was not going to find a consecrated chalice or bowl. The nurse and I went into the supply room looking for whatever God might provide. A brand new, clean small gray cup just wide enough to fit a piece of my hand was there. I noticed the label on the storage bin titled: "Stool Specimen Container". I couldn't help but laugh with joy and giddiness. God is constantly trying to tell me how he takes the mundane and even the profane and redeems them. God meets us in our imperfections where we are - not where we or others think we should be.

God as Probation Officer

A few weeks ago, a good colleague of mine brought up on interesting observation, "If a client stays sober because God wants him to do so, is he extrinsically or intrinsically motivated for change?" This may sound like a lot of clinical-speak, but the implications for faith are fascinating.

Do we follow God because we feel compelled by outside forces or because something powerfully warm within us beckons us to come and commune with Christ and one another?

In our agency, we often speak of whether clients are extrinsically or intrinsically motivated. Many, if not most of them, are referred to us from probation, the department of family services, or the department of motor vehicles. They often feel forced to be here and to go through whatever we recommend. If they don't, they run the very high risk of never getting their children back, their license back, or their freedom back. They are "extrinsically motivated" - compelled from outside themselves in order to meet some minimum requirement.

On the other hand, quite of few of our clients eventually get to the place where they not only see that others may be forcing them to follow through with recovery or treatment recommendations, but also that they find themselves doing so because something deep inside draws them to make necessary changes. They change for themselves - from the heart, not just because it the right or moral thing to do, but more importantly because the changes arise from their best spiritual selves. Intrinsic change comes from the gut.

In the same way, as followers of Jesus, we too are often faced with this dilemma. As Dietrich Bonhoeffer says, we possess an "alien righteousness" - i.e. being at peace with God, creation, and even ourselves comes from outside ourselves. In the cross, Christ created at-one-ment. Most of the time, even after we "pray the prayer," we often have to face significant negative consequences in our lives before we are willing to surrender our will and life to this Sovereign God. Living in fear of a judging God traps us like a plague in the oppressive matrix of an often perfectionist institutional church culture.

But for some of us, somewhere in the process, this God on the outside finds his way into our souls. We can speak of God as something wholly other, but then sense his presence within our bosoms as strongly as any natural force. We end up not following God simply to avoid hell or to keep from being struck by the lightning bolt of karma - as some eternal form of "fire" insurance.

We become enlightened with "aha" moments. Our insight and self-awareness increases. We see ourselves as one in Christ as drops of rain in the stream of life. While we may swirl in spiritual eddies from time to time, we can't help but flow with the Way of Life we have found in Christ and that Christ has placed in us.

We "get it" and "it" has "gotten" us. The external has become internal. The outside flows from within. The extrinsic has become intrinsic. God the Probation Officer or Judge becomes not only our wise Guide through the gorgeous, though dangerous precipices and canyons of life, but also our nurturing Parent of our child within and even our passionate, committed Lover who satisfies our souls with rest and sometimes complete ecstasy.

Personal Consumer Debt 100% of GDP

I also heard the week of March 1 on This American Life that our personal consumer debt (not national debt) has risen to 100% of our gross national product (GDP) - the first time this has happened since 1929. While this scares me in regards to future economic forecasts, it once again illustrates how far out of sync our consumption has gotten - to the detriment of ourselves but more importantly to the poorest of the world.

Out of Balance in a World of Plenty

As implied in my previous post, I recently finished Brian McLaren's Everything Must Change. Several statistics have seared my awareness. Get this...

• the richest 1% of world owns almost 40% of the total wealth


• the richest 5% owns 70%


• the world's 3 richest individuals' wealth equals the combined GDP of the world's 48 poorest countries


• 6 million children under 5 years old starve each year (“an annual unacknowledged holocaust”)


• $25 billion could save 8 million poor people per year; in 2000 the top 400 US households earned $61 billion in annual earnings. (these 400 families could save 8 billion people and still have $44 billion leftover)


• $80 billion could provide clean water, basic health care, basic education and basic nutrition for everyone on earth; this is less than 10% of world's military budget – and so far US has spent $200 billion in Iraq (as of 2007).

McLaren, Brian D. Everything Must Change: Jesus, Global Crises and a Revolution of Hope. Nashville: Thomas Nelson, 2007. (pp. 232-33, 249, 250)

I have heard that the gap between the rich and the poor in just America is the widest it has been since 1929. But these figures really brought home to me how far out of balance we have become (and those figures don't even include what has happened since the global financial and hunger crises of the past year).

It's easy for me to begin pointing fingers at the CEOs of Wall Street. But I have to face that, while most of the world lives off of $1-2 per day, it takes at least $60 per day for me and mine to make it.

Something is out of kilter.

I recently heard a fine upstanding American citizen share how his car stereo kept getting stolen. He drove a beautiful Audi and insisted on having the top of the line car stereo. But he constantly found his window busted and his radio swiped.

After reading Brian's book, I couldn't help but wonder if maybe he was not the one getting robbed, but rather that he (and the rest of us) were robbing the poorest of the poor by our insistence on such inequitable lifestyles. We the rich live in fear of the poor and then feel justified to build borders, walls, fences and burglar alarms to feel safe and protected in a world where many can't even get a clean cup of water.

Something is definitey out of kilter.

Of photosynthesis & showerheads...

Again Jesus spoke to them, saying, "I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me may never walk in darkness but will have the light of life." John 8.12

Lately, I have felt pretty overwhelmed - not over my own dilemmas. My own stuff appears at least halfway manageable now. My struggle lately seems to be with the big STUFF (the macro) - the things that I can't control - the things that require community - and the community of this planet at large - or at least a majority of us (hopefully the church). I think my heart is beginning to break with the things that break the heart of God.

Not too long ago, I remember reading an article Tripp Fuller posted in which a scientist was saying that global warming was already too far gone. The Titanic was sinking - and we were just moving chairs around the deck. I remember my comment to his post felt quite discouraging ("Why bother?")

I have also been catching up on my podcast subscriptions - listening to a lot of Bill Moyers, The Journal. Superb reporting! I am so grateful for alternative news sources that give us perspectives that are not colored or censored by corporate media. At the same time, Bill does a great job digging out the corruption that exists in so many quarters of our great country. He opens my eyes so that I can see - and then I wish I could be blinded again.

It's reasons like this that I have avoided reading Brian McLaren's Everything Must Change. Everything?!? Everything?!? I was already struggling with so much in my micro-world to even begin to think about the wider landscape. But now that my world has calmed down a bit - and thanks to people like Shane Clairborne and Tony Campolo, I am beginning to be willing to open my eyes more to my responsibility to use my gifts in the wider world.

At the same time, sometimes, I feel like Atlas holding up the earth. Combine the knowledge of what is happening to the poor and the planet (which I have been trying to ignore) with my codependent struggles of an overdeveloped sense of responsibility, and you might get an inkling of the reasons why I want to keep my head buried in the sand - and do nothing (or very little).

Then, during my morning meditation, I came upon John 8.12...
Again Jesus spoke to them, saying, "I am the light (phos) of the world (cosmos). Whoever follows me may never walk in darkness but will have the light (phos) of life."

I found myself over several days pondering... chewing... savoring this verse.
Jesus said HE (not me or us) was the light of the world. The word that John uses here for light is the same root from which we have derived words, like photo or even photosynthesis.

For so long, I have thought of Jesus being more like a light bulb, a flashlight or at most a halogen lamp. But Jesus is not talking about "this little light of mine" - he's saying that He is THE light of the cosmos.... And what is the light of the cosmos??? The Sun! The very celestial body which brings "light" and "life" to our planet and to our own bodies. We may hide our lamps (candles) under a bushel, but the light of the world cannot be hidden.

As I digested this same verse over several days, it began to give me a sliver of hope. I don't have to be the light of the world. I don't have to fix everything. Even when all seems hopeless - and that we (as a community, society or planet) will never change, Jesus says, "I am the very thing that makes it possible for the plants that give you oxygen and food to grow and thrive." Somehow, creation care then does not seem so overwhelming - or lonely.

At the same time, with the help of some friends, I was able to also see this verse calling me to have the courage to do what is in my power. It's so easy for some of us to think, "Well, Jesus is coming back... The world will get worse before it gets better. So we don't need to do anything to make a difference."

But this verse specifically calls me to "follow" and to "walk". It doesn't say for me to sit on my derrière and let Jesus fix it all. Jesus is calling me to count the cost (to take an inventory of my own gifts and power) and to each day do what is within my power - a step at a time. I am still in the middle of counting the cost right now, but I am finding little ways to make a difference (sharing my concerns, buying a showerhead that uses less water, cutting down my thermostat, writing this blog, being a part of what McLaren calls "an alternate framing story" i.e. the "good news", etc).

I think that if I am faithful with little, God will eventually give me more to do in his timing and his way. As needed, I can do my part. And together, each of our drops of rain CAN become a shower of change rained down by the Father of Light.

Pledging Allegiance When Kingdoms Collide...

From the Irresistible Revolution by Shane Claiborne...

I have become well acquainted with the dualism in the North American church... I thought about what would have happened if Reverend King hadn't allowed the gospel to get political. My heart sank as I walked into the foyer and noticed something I had never seen before: The American flag standing prominently in front of the auditorium. And never before was I so heartbroken that the cross was missing. For the flag and the cross are both spiritual. And they are both political. It is a dangerous day when we can take the cross out of the church more easily than the flag. No wonder it is hard for seekers to find God nowadays. It's difficult to know where Christianity ends and America begins. Our money says, "In God We Trust." God's name is on America's money, and America's flag is on God's altars. (p. 193).

Honestly, I just don't get it... I am confused... When I was a kid, I was told to give Jesus my 110%... "I Surrender All" we sang. Altar calls beckoned us to give Christ our everything. Nothing else could come before our commitment to Christ...

So why do I get in more trouble over this position than anything else?

Why do Christians get so angry when I choose not to pledge allegiance to the American flag because I believe my only allegiance is to Christ?

Why do conservative churches who preach Christ and Scripture alone have American flags lining their front lawns and adorning their altars?

Why do citizens of a heavenly empire get all twisted up when I/we call America an "empire" the likes of Rome, Babylon, Assyria and Persia - and question America's values and motives as such?

Why does the bride of Christ keep having an affair with the principalities and powers of this dark world?

I really look forward to your insights to these quandaries...

holy curiosity at work

I do chaplain rounds at our local hospital about four times per month... Last week, unlike other nights, I focused on simply being curious and interested in folks. While it may surprise some, there is so much pressure on chaplains to see a certain number of folks but especially get a certain amount of information so that we can make a spiritual assessment (we have to show that we have a positive effect on the “bottom line”). Persons can get lost in the process.
But while writing lately on Mark’s gospel, I had looked up agape (the Greek word for “love”) again and saw where "interest" is one of the definitions. So over the last few days I had tried to simply be more "interested" in other people... It so much easier than the sacrificial heroism that agape usually gets preached as...And it is really amazing... Just being interested in people is a huge gift to them.
I also finished Winn Collier’s book, Holy Curiosity, several weeks ago… so that night at the hospital, I also added curiosity to the mix.... Patients acted like they felt comfortable around me, opened up (told me more than I was SUPPOSED or needed to find out) and then I had this really powerful conversation with the older gentleman who just found out he has cancer...
His faith is obviously important to him... but back around 1968 after some major health problems (after someone asked him he was saved - he did have church background), he decided that God must be able to save him without having to use Jesus to do it...
I know this guy's "theology" is not orthodox but he told me this was the first time he had really ever talked about any of this in 40 years... I felt like I was giving his spirit some room to breathe and moistening the soul where seeds doubtless are already planted... I gave him my telephone number and encouraged him to call me sometime he wanted to talk some more or get coffee... But this conversation was so God-breathed... I had just come from another patient’s family where the “family chaplain” had been trying to force and push salvation on their dying ex-father-in-law for so long that he was totally closed off.
I got to thinking about it - I don't think Jesus went around pushing people into heaven... Even with the woman from Tyre in Mark 7 who was probably a different religion in addition to a different gender and culture, Jesus did not hound her asking her if she was saved and where she would go if she died that same night. Like Winn said in his book, Jesus was curious, genuinely interested in others, and asked some really great questions...
I am really grateful for the ministry I have received from Winn Collier, Downtown Community Fellowship and other “emerging” brothers and sisters. As a result of their grace and peace, I have really started embracing my distinctly Christian influence. They have given me that space or moisture to be able to
share some of that same sacred space with another traveler who thought there was not another way of being Christian...

Note: If you are “interested” in seeing Jesus’ curiosity further at work, make sure and check out Winn’s book at http://tinyurl.com/97sgby (a link to Holy Curiosity on amazon.com). Winn provides us with an excellent example of that holy curiosity in words and person.

Evangelistic Listening and Social In-action

Why does evangelism have to be intentional or verbal? St. Francis said something of the sort: "Preach the gospel and if necessary use words." I find that the evangelism which emerging Christians engage in is much more centripetal rather than centrifugal - we are much less about promotion through verbage than about attraction through being and demonstration. As a counselor and community missionary, I wonder why can't there be such a thing as evangelistic listening and even to use an eastern term social in-action, in a quest to point to the sovereignty and compassion of a God who is bigger than a Wall Street/ Madison Avenue world.

Sanford and Lamontt switching places

With our pending divorce, i have been trying to do some research and such (still the brainiac)... Now i have grown to be a bit more uncomfortable with all the dummy and idiot books out there. since i have been working on my self-loathing, i have been reading one guy who says our society creates the ilussions for self-hate.
Anyways, I have one of those books titled "Divorce for dummies" on my book shelf. Christopher is spending the night with me and eating supper, when he looks over and sees that book on the shelf. Out of the blue, he says, "Dad, why do you have a book called Divorce for Dummies?" I thought, Oh brother, hear comes the questions about what divorce means and we haven't told him yet. But i go ahead and respond anyways with the generic, "It's just something i have been reading. Why did it make you wonder about something?" Without missing a lick, he quipped, "Yeah, it just made me wonder if you were a dummy."

downtown community fellowship - clemson, sc

Check out this great new (well, not really, new but fairly new to me) church! It's in the heart of Clemson (one of the country's most postmodern towns). I really like this church and will probably start becoming a part of this faith community soon. One step at a time... But it really connects with me... check it out... http://www.dcf-clemson.org/ It's definitely the direction i hope the church is heading...

elbow grease

Christopher and I were cleaning our new "used" fridge a few weeks back. He loves to help me do stuff (if only he had the ability to mow the yard!)... Anyways, he's scrubbing away at the crud, but it's not coming off (for him). He said, "Daddy, this stuff is not coming off." I told him not worry about it - that I would have to put some "elbow grease" on it. Immediately, he held out his little hand and said, "Well, here, give me some."

the emerging cbf assembly

I am so excited right now - top of the world. Even though other parts of my life are not going that great (or at least they look that way to me), I just got out of a workshop at the cooperative baptist fellowship general assembly. Long story short, it looks like we are going to start a discussion with the cbf family. I love cbf but I also love the emerging church or rather emerent village. For those who are not familiar with emergent, it's not a denomination and it's not an organziation - although it seems to be going that direction. It's rather a safe place for those who have questions and ideas about what it means to be church in today's world. Stay tuned for more ideas or details. Or if you are familiar with emergent, then blog me a comment and tell us what you think emergent is.

Christopher's Spanish Lesson

This past weekend, we went to Hilton Head with my brother and his family. While we were there, my six-year old son Christopher was amazed at how many people were speaking Spanish, since he is learning it at school. One day, we were at the pool when a gentleman came up speaking Spanish to his little girl. Christopher blurted out, "You speak Spanish?" "Yes," replied the Hispanic father. To which Christopher curtly responded, "No... you mean 'Si'."

What do I do?

Lately, I have been trying to figure out what i want to do with this blog. Sharing your ideas freely can be dangerous. Furthermore, I would love to post pictures of my family, but there are a lot of un-well persons out there who might take advantage of it. Well, I will meditate and wait... I did get my profile completed - so make sure and take a look.